No More Shame

A place for me to share my hope and freedom from a life of shame

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about

I am a child of God, a pastor’s wife, and mom of three amazing children. God has redeemed me and set me free from addiction to alcohol. I continue to struggle with guilt and shame and hope to use this blog to connect with others and offer hope and a place to just be real.

  • 6 months

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    Today is 6 months. 6 months of sobriety.

    Emotions are high, but the truth is still in tack. I’m sober.

    Emotions are high because the trauma that leads to addiction is a lifetime of healing and walking through recovery.

    I wouldn’t trade this sobriety for anything. My relationship with God is so precious. I’m still grieving my losses. I need to stay broken over that, as a reminder, like a well worn scar. It happened. I did destroy things that were precious to me because of my addiction. I’m not proud, but neither am I ashamed. Or at least that is what I am working toward. Putting it out there, exposing it to the light. So that the shame has to disappear. I am not alone. Even if it appears that the whole world has better things to do… God is walking with me, loving me, and leading me in His peace and grace.

  • Don’t give up on me

    It’s been an emotional few days. I’m not sleeping well and I found myself telling God over and over; “I’m so sorry”. As again and again my memories are flooding me with all the terrible things I did while I was active in my addiction. The Lord knows I’m sorry, and I know that He has forgiven me. I’m righteous in my standing with Him. I can’t undo the past. I CAN by His Grace move forward and be a better person. I’m trying and I’m sober. I truly have no desire to drink. I don’t like these emotions, but drinking them away is not the solution. I’m looking for the purpose in the pain, but I’m also using up a lot of energy saying “I’m sorry” over and over and over and over….

    In the middle of the night I just pleaded with the Lord, “Don’t give up on me”

    that was my simple prayer. I have no witty answers or philosophical truths. I just know that I don’t want God to give up on me. He won’t. I know He won’t. He has proven His character to me time and time again.

    The plea was for me, for myself; to express and expose my insecurities and low self-esteem.

    God’s still working on me.

    I’m working through trauma therapy and it’s a pain that I cannot describe with words. My shattered hope is trying to rise up and allow itself to be pieced back together. My Hope is in Jesus. All I know for sure is that when I open His Word I feel a peace and calmness that cannot be found in anything or anywhere else.

    God will never give up on me, therefore I will not give up on myself. This healing journey is a process and as long as He is with me I can run this race, travel in this boat, and stroll along this shore; one scary moment at a time.

  • Today I choose

    Today I choose life.

     I choose the joy of my salvation. 

    I choose to be sober-minded no matter what comes my way.

    I choose to receive the grace God has lavished on me. 

    I choose to walk in freedom from addiction to anything.

    God is number one in my heart and mind.

    God has delivered me from bondage to alcohol.

    Isaiah 51:22… “Behold, I have taken away from your hand the cup of staggering; the bowl of my wrath you shall drink no more.”

    Jesus really loves me and that knowledge is too good to ever be clouded with substances.

    I am blessed because I have One. More. Day. 

  • One Month & One Day

  • One Month & One Day

    One month and a day, that’s how long it has been since I stood on the sweet little picturesque stage at the Colony of Mercy Chapel and received my diploma for graduating from the four month residential rehab program at America’s Keswick in Whiting, New Jersey. Affectionately known as BP or Barbara’s Place for women.

    I’m one of the fortunate ones. I came home to a huge support group and lots of love. I’m not sure why they still love me, but they do. I certainly don’t deserve it, but they love me anyway.

    One day I might write about all the things that happened in my addiction. But today I’m thinking about a goal I shared while I was still at BP. It was simple, my goal when I got home was to be present.

    I am present, I am sober, I am loved… so why does it feel like I’m falling short. Why is there this little nagging voice saying, “it’s still not quite enough” or “you’re not quite enough”?

    Two different friends asked me today how they could be praying for me.

    My response: Pray for my mind and my thoughts, pray that I will take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. That I will remember who I am in Christ. That I will remember that I have an enemy and he is out to steal, kill, and destroy.

    That discontent feeling is not from God, it’s from the enemy. The truth is I am not falling short. I AM DOING THE THING! I am doing exactly what I set out to do: my goal -To Be Present.

    It’s been one month and one day since I graduated, I’ve been sober over five months. I am doing it, by God’s Grace I am victorious. One month, one day, one minute – I am present. It is a victory.

  • Is it really Okay?

    Is it really Okay?

    too often I excuse how others treat me by saying to myself, “Well, I’ve hurt people too”. This can be dangerous territory for me. Like somehow someone’s bad treatment toward me is okay or somehow justified. Sometimes I don’t even realize that I should be offended or hurt by something someone says or does. Other times my feelings are raw and tender, right there at the surface and I’m hurt by the least little thing.

    The closer I am in my walk with Jesus I get that nudge from the Holy Spirit. I realize more quickly now when something is off. When God’s righteous standard is falling way short. I am His daughter and He doesn’t want me to be treated badly. His desire is for all of His children to be treated with Love, Kindness, and Compassion.

    Yes, the way others treat us is an indicator of their heart, and yes often times I am called to turn the other cheek. However, it’s okay to acknowledge that – I. Am. Hurt. – and to hold someone else to the same standard God holds me to. To apologize when we are wrong, to admit when we hurt others, to take ownership and responsibility for our words and actions, and to ask God to help us make it right.

    I’m working to change my mindset from: “I’m hurting but I’ve hurt people too.”

    Now my mindset is: “I’m hurting”

    I go to God with my hurt. Trusting Him and waiting for His timing. The Holy Spirit is such an expert in relationships and feelings. It is such a precious thing to be able to go to God and just vent it all. No super spiritual wording, just raw feelings. He can handle it. Then as I wait for the Holy Spirit to guide and lead me, as I read His Word… He never fails me.

  • Unconditionally Loved

    All my life, all I ever wanted was to “feel” unconditionally loved. Because it was lacking I felt that deeply I was just unlovable, or that no one knew how to love me.

    What a lie…

    neglect, abuse, those things do that… they create a lens that we view the world with, or more importantly that we view God through…

    what an ugly lie. The truth is… God has always loved me unconditionally.

    I’m a lot of things, or rather, I have been. I lied, I was caught up in addiction (idolatry), I stole. I was awful. Even in that state, God LOVED ME! His heart was grieved for me, but He loved me. He loves me!

    Returning to the Lord has been the sweetest most precious experience. Allowing the truth of His love to comfort me and wash over me has been the cleansing and renewing that He promised me. God is never slack, He is always available.

    I had to reach the lowest parts of the pit, but even there His love was running after me.

    Understanding that I am unconditionally loved by God has brought me crazy confidence. Like a little girl who lays her head on her Father’s lap, knowing He has everything under control and He only wants the very best for her. His heart is FOR. HER. and He delights in her love and she delights in His; unconditional love.

  • Safe Space

    For over four months I sat beside or in a boat on the lake. I did this every day. I was in a residential rehabilitation program…. we call it rehab.

    God met me there. He is still with me don’t get me wrong. But He MET me THERE. Slowly He just healed me. I sat calmly, I listened, I meditated on His Word. and he met me there…

    During one of our classes the counselors did an exercise with us where we were supposed to go to a place in our minds… a “safe space”… while there we were to relax and enjoy the freedom of being safe.

    At the time I could not do it. I could not muster up a “safe space” even in my mind. My mind and body have always been on alert. Childhood sexual abuse and trauma does that to a person. I always had my guard up. Even if I had a smile on my face. The anxiousness was always there lingering near the surface.

    Yesterday I found my mental safe space, God put it in my mind. As I was feeling anxious He took me back to my hours on the lake. Where I delighted in Him and He delighted in me.

    I now have a safe space. I was wounded and He healed me. I was lost and He found me.

    God’s Grace and His unfailing Love for me are my undoing in every good sense of the word.

  • What Were You Thinking?

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    A well meaning friend once asked me what I was thinking. (The timing was bad, but the question was good.) I was in the thick of my addiction and I had just done something irrevocably damaging.

    “What was I thinking”?

    I was drunk, I really wasn’t…. thinking

    But – In my core, in that inner place, I was always thinking – “When will this insanity end?”

    I’ve been sober for five months today. There are a lot of things that I do not remember when I was in the midst of my addiction. I do however remember her asking me this question. Perhaps it hurt my feelings. Perhaps it brought me shame.

    Today its got me thinking….

    What was God thinking about me?

    A few things I know for certain that He was thinking about me….

    “Michelle is my daughter, I AM her father”

    “Michelle is my princess, I AM her King”

    “Michelle is broken, I AM the great Healer”

    “Michelle is mine, I AM her Redeemer”

    God pulled me up out of that pit, and He has sat my feet upon a rock and put a new song in my mouth (Psalm 40:2-3)

    Today I was thinking…. I am one blessed girl

    Today I was thinking… I am truly loved

  • Just Cry

    I was having a perfectly good day…. Enjoying my new sense of freedom and joy.

    Then BAM….

    I suddenly felt overwhelmed and frustrated. No one particular thing happened, just several small things, but it felt HUGE to my little emotions. There they were just sitting on the surface and I didn’t even know it. I’m still very fragile.

    I wanted to run, kick, scream, and cry.

    So I did…. I put the treadmill on the highest speed and ran (ha… this didn’t last too long). I am a runner, but I run more like a turtle.

    I kicked a laundry basket (it was empty lol)

    I did not scream but I might have raised my voice to the dog.

    I got in the shower and I let myself cry.

    When all was said and done, I sat down and opened my Bible and began to read and journal. Jesus brought me to Isaiah chapter 49 and reminded me that He never forgets me, in fact I am so important to Him that He has engraved me on the palms of His hands.

    I used to boast that I just never cried, claimed that “I just don’t, can’t even”

    That’s the old me, this new girl, she cries. Those tears bring healing and bring revelation to what is really going on inside. The truth is I’m raw – I’m fragile – I’m still struggling through trauma and overcoming all the damage of my addiction.

    I’m gonna be okay, sometimes I just need to cry….. and that is O. K.

    I am Blessed to be loved by God for just One. More. Day.